Sleep definitely helps.

I am pretty sure that exhaustion and lack of sleep caused my emotional breakdown the other night. Luckily, the doctor called me back and recommended that I go back on pain medicine at night as obviously I was in so much pain that my body could not relax enough to drift to sleep. So, I took one of the lighter versions of pain meds that I was given and then followed that up with an ambien and I was out cold with in minutes of attempting to go to sleep. Yes! Finally, I slept through the night. The second night I woke about 3 or 4 am and could feel the pain return (the pain meds obviously wore off) but I was able to go back to sleep. I am not sure why because you'd think that after a good night's sleep I'd feel a lot better but I wake up in more pain that I was feeling before. I think maybe I am getting used to the lack of pains on meds over night so when it return it seems worse than before? Who knows. That is the downside to this new plan and for whatever reason the left side expander has been extremely uncomfortable today. I have no idea it feels like it shifted or something and is digging even deeper into my ribs. Ahh. I really wish I could report that things are so much better than a few days ago. They are as far as my emotions goes but I really wish the pain was diminishing a lot more than it is each day. In fact today it was worse. Oh man. I guess no one said this was going to be easy! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve in our house and so I need to focus on that, have fun, and enjoy this special time with my favorite people. After that we head out of town and so maybe all of the distractions will do me good. Merry Christmas to everyone!

My first moment.

I really hate being a downer on this blog. Since I've published it publically on FB I seem to have quite a few readers. Thanks by the way for reading. I really appreciate that you care enough to read.  I really, really, want to be the strong person that you all think I am. I want so bad to tell you all that this is a "breeze" and I am "doing great". I really would love to tell the truth when I am say I am feeling better than the day before. I really, really want to be that person that didn't run upstairs crying when things got too hectic before dinner when I just couldn't take the pain and the craziness in the evenings when you have two small children. I so wish I was that person, but I am not.

Yesterday, I might have overdone it and so today I was paying the price for that. I was more involved with the kids, day to day tasks (sad that pouring milk for Carter is doing me in) and I drove around a bit doing some errands (in my defense I bought toilet paper nothing heavy!) but today I seem to be backtracking a bit. I hadn't been feeling the muscle pain/spasms for days. It was just simply the expanders that were annoying me. Today it was both. Today it was too much.

I haven't slept in days. No naps and I lay in bed at night thinking about the pain until wee hours of the night. I've resorted to ambien but who knew I was the one person immune to it working? I lay in bed listening to the music that is coming from my neighbors tacky Christmas display. I change the pillows up, get up, take some away, put some back, swap positions and yet I am still awake with nothing else to think about but how uncomfortable these foreign objects strapped to my chest are (for those of you who don't know what I am talking about-I have temporary implants that hold the spot and create a pocket for the real implants that will be put in, in a few months).

I am assuming that my exhaustion and the increase in pain today are contributing to my feelings as I type this blog. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. It'll be 3 weeks for me and I wish I was feeling as good as I hoped I would be 3 weeks post surgery.  I am not sure why I thought I would be better off. I am in good shape, I lost all the weight I wanted to, I eat healthy, I just ran a half marathon and I am so young. Why is this so hard? Why did I not see this coming? Why have I let myself question my decision thinking, "what have I done?"  I was so looking for that 3 week blog post with news of how much better things were getting. Maybe there is still hope for tomorrow's post.

I don't want to feel great, or even good. I just want to feel normal. All I want is normal. I hope that normal is in my near future.

So, I sign off now having just taken a valium. I've been trying just advil overnights but obviously that isn't working. Lets hope I can get a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow in a better place.

I got out of the house!

 

The kids are in Cville for the weekend with their grandparents and so after laying in bed all day (literally) I got out of my pj's and dressed in normal clothes, fixed my hair, put make up on and we headed out of the house to dinner. Dinner was delicious at one of our favorite Italian restaurants. I made it through dinner without a lot of pain. Just a little discomfort in my back from sitting up straight for so long without a back (I was sitting in a booth seat and was leaned forward). We saved a little room for dessert and decided to head across the street to cheesecake factory to pick out the perfect slice of cheesecake. Dan literally stood by me like he was my body guard ready to jump in front of, or knock over anyone that got close to bumping into me! Once we got home we stopped by our neighbors Christmas party and had a great time catching up with the neighbhors. After a while there I was pretty spent and I was longing for my bed again. So we said our goodbyes and I quickly jumped back into my comfy PJ's and climbed into bed (which by the way is getting easier and easier). Dan and I watched Christmas Vacation and shared our slice of cheesecake in bed. It was a great night.

 Day 17 and I looked normal to everyone that didn't know what I've been through. I guess that is a little bit of a success. I didn't feel normal, but hey, looking the part is half the battle, right?!?

My Progression

Ok, so after a super sad day of watching non stop news coverage of the shooting in an elementary school I was going through my pics. I think you'll see the improvement in them. I haven't taken one since I got my drains out, but looking back at them, I can see the progress. Plus, last night was a good night with less pain and today has been a good day with less pain, also. Here is to more better days and less pain from here on out!!

 Day 1, right after coming out of recovery

 Day 2

Glad the kids got to come and see me

Sean is so precious. Holding mommy's hand

My first real outing to the craft store

Yay, Mommy can play on the floor again (and get back up again!)

Wow. There are no words.

I woke up today excited that I didn't have any drains dragging me down and excited that the kids were going to go to Cville with my mother in law to give me some quiet time to rest this weekend. Now, after watching the news all day I just want them back. I feel so selfish for being annoyed that they are noisy and fight and have tantrums during dinner. Annoyed that they make noise and wake me up when I am resting. I woke up feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for myself and the life I've been handed. Sorry for myself that I am still in pain. Annoyed that I couldn't get the lid off of my water container. Annoyed that it took me 10 minutes to get the things I needed and to get into bed. Wishing that I could skip over all of this hard stuff and start feeling really good.


Wow. Life just got put into real perspective. I need to look away. I need to turn it off the news. But as an Elementary counselor who practices these drills all of the time in preparation for an event like this, it is hitting kind of close to home. Not to mention my sweet babies are an hour away and too far away for me to give them a big squeeze. I thought that we were safe in elementary school as the shootings are usually secondary schools but nope, now we aren't even safe anymore. It just all sucks. No other way to put it.

I think I need to take a nap, rest, turn off this horrible news story and try not to lose faith in the world that we live in. Maybe all of the emotions of this surgery and all are just effecting me more or maybe it is because I am home alone for the first time in 2.5 weeks. Either way this is heart wrenching. :o(

Being on the other side is hard.

I spent months and months looking forward to "being on the other side", meaning that my surgery would be behind me and I could move forward. I guess the part I failed to focus on was actually getting through this part of the process. It is hard. I am in pain, still. Days are better but nights are still difficult. I haven't blogged a whole lot lately for a couple reasons, one being that I am just super tired a lot of the time but also because I battle between telling the real truth about this or giving you all the sugar coated version. I guess I'll try for somewhere in between.

Trying to take a walk around the neighborhood (short walk)

Love my babies!!

The whole Fam

So, it has been two weeks. Two weeks ago I was literally having surgery at this part of the day. My family was anxiously waiting for 5.5 hours in the waiting room and I was in a blissful sleep aware of none of this. When I woke up I couldn't even hold a cup or lift my head up or get out of bed or use the bathroom unassisted. I think I've come a long way in two weeks. I can shower, wash my hair, take care of my own drains/tubes (ick!), blow dry my hair, get dressed and get in and out of bed, though I wouldn't say it is gracefully. I hope I have a six pack after this because I am relying 100% on my abs to get out of bed.

I do have to say that when I saw myself for the first time I didn't cry or get upset at all. I was shocked. I have, what we have now decided are called "TSBs" which stands for Tori Spelling Boobs. Yep, you know what I am talking about you remember 90210. Anyway, I was very surprised to see that the doctor filled up my temporary expanders quite a bit, shockingly a lot. So, I at least wasn't disappointed when I saw them for the first time. It is weird having rocks on my chest though. I am not making that up, expanders are literally like rocks. You could probably knock on them and hear the noise. They've taken quite some time to get used to but slowly I am adjusting. They are temporary so I won't have to deal with them forever.

Tomorrow I get the drains and tubes removed and that will be a huge step in the right direction for improvement. They don't bother me to the point that I cannot function but they are kind of annoying to have these tubes and drains hanging from your body at all times, though I've been creative with how to handle them while I shower. A shoestring around my neck works nicely.

I haven't made it out of the house much that is just because I get so tired. I am trying to rest but it is hard. Carter doesn't understand that I cannot pick her up and her "up, ups" make me so sad to deny. Sean totally gets it and has been great about being gentle around me and allowing Nana and Daddy to handle things that used to my my job (going to bed). Thankfully, Nana is here to handle all the things mommy used to handle and the kids love having her here. That is one thing that I do not have to worry about it. Oh and food. OMG have I got some awesome family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, wow! The meal train is amazing. We've had dinner brought to our door almost every night of the week since I had surgery. When the slots for dinners ran out people started bringing over snacks, fruit, breakfast stuff, etc. I literally had no idea I had so many people who loved me so much. I do not know what I could ever do to repay all of these people! It has taken a huge burden off of Dan and Nana and that has been such a blessing to us all!

Sean is my helper, he takes me on walks a lot

I know I am getting better each day but I have my moments of frustrations. I am slowly backing off of the pain killers and will be happy to be done with them as they make me supppper itchy all of the time. I guess I'll know about my status after tomorrow's appointment with the plastic surgeon. From my perspective it looks like things are healing nicely and I hope he agrees.

The other highlight of tomorrow is Sean's Pre-K Christmas Program. His costume is ready and he knows his lines and I cannot wait to be there to see it!

PS Forgive me if I am rambling I did mention I am still on pain killers, right? :o)

9 days out

I had my PBM last Wednesday but it seems like forever ago. The night before the surgery went relatively well. I cleaned my house like a crazy person and waited for my family to arrive. Once they got there we hung out a bit and since I felt pretty tired I tried to go to bed without taking an ambien. That didn't work so I got back up and took one. I should have given one to Dan because I know he didn't sleep at all that night. The morning was not too bad, just got up and hung out with the kids for a bit. That was a lot of coordination efforts going on like who was taking the kids to school, who was picking them up, which car will they have, etc. etc. So, we were all focused on that and not really what was to come. Everything else is kind of a blur and then I woke up from surgery. I know my family had a tough day in the waiting room. It took 5.5 hours but luckily the nurse was great about updating them throughout the day. It was a tough day for my mom for obvious reasons. When I got to my room I was feeling ok. I remember telling Dan and my sis that it was no big deal and the pain was not bad at all. Boy was I in for a rude awakening! Yikes. The next 4-5 days were pretty rough for me. Pretty rough for my family to watch me go through as well. Poor Dan slept on the floor because he was worried he would bump me. On Monday I noticed that things were slowly getting a little better each day. I could move my arms more and was able to get out of bed by myself. By Wednesday I was showering on my own and getting dressed by myself. Today I am starting to feel a little bit of my appettite return which is perfect since my family is being showered with food everyday night of the week from different friends, co-workers, and neighbors.

The one thing I do remember thinking or maybe even saying when I came out of surgery is, "Even though I literally feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest I feel a huge sigh of relief right now" And that is the truth! I am so glad I can put this behind me and move forward each toward to getting back to my old self.

The Aftermath

Erin came home from the hospital on Friday. I'm not gonna lie, the first couple of days were REALLY hard to watch. She seemed to be getting muscle spasms on one side that were causing these huge waves of excruciating pain. She had a tough time getting comfortable, or being able to sleep for longer periods of time. Luckily, after a phone call to the nurse explaining the pain, they prescribed her some Valium. I think that was key for her finally being able to get a couple hours of sleep here and there with dulled pain. Getting in and out of her bed proved to be a little bit of an issue as the bed is a rather high off the ground. Luckily, Dan was able to makeshift her a little step so that it's easier for her to maneuver. Her saving grace seems to be a hot shower. Apparently,  if you smell okay, the pain doesn't seem as bad, ha ha. We had a little bit of trouble when Carter accidentally threw her cell phone right at Erin's chest- but other than that, the kids have really been good about being extra careful around Mommy.

Erin has been making more trips downstairs, moving a little bit easier, and even took a little walk down the street yesterday to get some fresh air.

It's just a matter of one day at a time.

-Jenn