Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My first moment.

I really hate being a downer on this blog. Since I've published it publically on FB I seem to have quite a few readers. Thanks by the way for reading. I really appreciate that you care enough to read.  I really, really, want to be the strong person that you all think I am. I want so bad to tell you all that this is a "breeze" and I am "doing great". I really would love to tell the truth when I am say I am feeling better than the day before. I really, really want to be that person that didn't run upstairs crying when things got too hectic before dinner when I just couldn't take the pain and the craziness in the evenings when you have two small children. I so wish I was that person, but I am not.

Yesterday, I might have overdone it and so today I was paying the price for that. I was more involved with the kids, day to day tasks (sad that pouring milk for Carter is doing me in) and I drove around a bit doing some errands (in my defense I bought toilet paper nothing heavy!) but today I seem to be backtracking a bit. I hadn't been feeling the muscle pain/spasms for days. It was just simply the expanders that were annoying me. Today it was both. Today it was too much.

I haven't slept in days. No naps and I lay in bed at night thinking about the pain until wee hours of the night. I've resorted to ambien but who knew I was the one person immune to it working? I lay in bed listening to the music that is coming from my neighbors tacky Christmas display. I change the pillows up, get up, take some away, put some back, swap positions and yet I am still awake with nothing else to think about but how uncomfortable these foreign objects strapped to my chest are (for those of you who don't know what I am talking about-I have temporary implants that hold the spot and create a pocket for the real implants that will be put in, in a few months).

I am assuming that my exhaustion and the increase in pain today are contributing to my feelings as I type this blog. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. It'll be 3 weeks for me and I wish I was feeling as good as I hoped I would be 3 weeks post surgery.  I am not sure why I thought I would be better off. I am in good shape, I lost all the weight I wanted to, I eat healthy, I just ran a half marathon and I am so young. Why is this so hard? Why did I not see this coming? Why have I let myself question my decision thinking, "what have I done?"  I was so looking for that 3 week blog post with news of how much better things were getting. Maybe there is still hope for tomorrow's post.

I don't want to feel great, or even good. I just want to feel normal. All I want is normal. I hope that normal is in my near future.

So, I sign off now having just taken a valium. I've been trying just advil overnights but obviously that isn't working. Lets hope I can get a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow in a better place.


  1. Oh Erin! I love your honestly, and I can only imagine how much someone going through the same thing appreciates it. It isn't supposed to be easy all the time BUT you certainly deserve normal. Showing your vulnerability makes you even stronger in my opinion. I continue to be amazed by your strength.

    I run upstairs when our evening routine gets to crazy too. I'll pretend I need to pee or go sort laundry for a moment to breath :)

  2. You are going to make it to normal - this is the push in the breast surgery marathon when things are really tough, but you are going to make it.

    A yoga teacher once told me (so you know this has got to be good advice, cause it's a YOGA teacher): "Listen when the body whispers, don't make it shout." Take your rest as much as you can, and I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed. Hopefully, almost certainly, you'll receive a flood of support from this post. And as for the brutal truth - what else is a blog for? It's your place to let go of all the stress and anxiety. Then when good things come, you can write about that too.

    Keep plugging, Erin. You're getting there.

  3. Thanks ladies! I appreciate your support! Another rough night last night but I did at least call the Dr. Waiting to hear back to see if there is something else I can take to help me sleep. I know once I am not exhausted all will be better and I'll feel more emotionally stable.