Saturday, June 29, 2013
I haven't posted much lately because I am too busy living and loving life. When I get deep into thought, which happens a lot when I am running, I look back over the past year and it doesn't seem so bad. I think at the moment it just seemed so horrible because of the pain. When you are in pain, everything is hard. Having a preventative double mastectomy was the hardest thing I'll probably every do. I questioned my decision, I regretted my decision, and then I was disappointed in myself for feeling that way. It was a bad cycle. Once I got rid of the temporary expanders and had my second and final surgery, everything improved. I felt like my old self pretty quickly and I looked like my old self, also.
I am not going to lie, I am still learning to embrace my new body in a bathing suit. The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself but I have been able to wear my old bathing suites and splurged on a couple of new ones. After some "adjusting" (and some reassurance from my husband) I am usually happy with how I look.
So, besides a little "squeaking" while I run, and a little heaviness at times (both due to the implants), I feel totally normal. Push ups are still difficult. I can't say that it causes pain but it is an awkward feeling pulling in my chest area. Doing chest exercises with weights, yoga, swimming, running, biking are all fine. I think with time I'll build back up to doing pushups on my toes again.
I can't say you'll be hearing much from me anymore. I can close this chapter of my life, I can finally move on without fear of breast cancer looming over me and I really have no need to look back now.