Spring break, surgery date conflict, and Toms!

First of all, spring break was awesome. Being at home with my family is so fun! We even were able to take a mini vacation to Virginia Beach, see my parents, and my sister. It was a busy but great week! I did get some not so great news about my surgery date. August is not possible. That kind of throws a wrench in all of my plans. Dan and I are still talking about our other options and what works best for our schedule. Since he is a teacher, he prefer not to take a week off in September which is the first available time that the two surgeons can coordinate, not to mention he was out the first week of school this year due to Miss Carter’s arrival. Anyway, I am not going to let it get me down. We’ll figure out a date. Perhaps re-visiting the original November/Thanksgiving plan would be best.

On a totally unrelated note….I am going to try something I’ve seen on a lot of other blogs though my time frame will most likely be shorter. I am going to set some goals for myself and reward myself if I reach them. I am going to try a week at a time though I hope to at least keep it going for a month. I am going to start small. So, here we go.

Week 1 Goals:

1. No sweets for a week. I think I need to be specific here: doughnuts, candy, cookies, cake, ice cream (none of these things are ever in my house yet I somehow manage to eat them----teacher’s lounge!!) Do granola bars count? Chime in if you have thoughts?!?!?

2. Eat salad for dinner for a week. I feel like I ate my way through my spring break so this will be a good way to get back on to my healthy eating diet.

3. Clean my house more often. For this week: kitchen scrubbed and mopped and clean master bathroom.

4. Run 10 miles a week. I am averaging about 2 runs at around 3 miles. So I need to add another run at around 4 miles. My garmin will keep me honest!

Ok, I feel like that is a good start. I am going to try to do 4 rounds of 1 week goals. Some goals overlapping, and some changing. Now that I’ve put it on the blog…I have to do it, right? What is my reward?

 Toms!!

I am strong, physically.

As I mentioned before due to my weight lifting routine I feel really physically strong right now. I am glad as it is paired with a not so strong emotional side. For the past 1.5 years (9 months of those being pregnant-yes I was that girl with the big old belly doing body pump) I have been pretty dedicated about going to body pump 2 times a week. Body Pump is a choreographed weight lifting class that takes you through your whole body in 1 hour. After your first class your *whole* body hurts. It hurts to walk, move, sleep, eat. Anyway, I am way past that point and have been increasing my weights and moving up in the program. It makes me proud that one part of my exercise routine is super successful right now (the running is coming along, also). I don't know but its weird to me that there is this fused connection between body pump and my BRCA fate. Is that weird? I mean I did find out that I was positive 1 minute before attending a body pump class. The first hour of my life as a BRCA carrier (a known one that is) was spent pumping iron. I didn't cry I busted my butt in class. I often find my mind wandering during class to BRCA. As a mom of two I don't get too much time to think alone at home. So, while I am at the gym I am pumping my muscles but also pumping myself up. I think about how strong I am and how strong I will be when I have surgery. I see how my body is physically improving and how it will continue to improve before my surgery. I really do want to be at the peak of my physical condition before I do this surgery. It may seem silly as it'll just get all torn up again and I'll be starting over...but it is my mind set right now. I don't know but I feel really great during body pump class and it helps that I get that burst of strength and reassurance to myself each week. I guess if I can make my body physically strong then the rest of me has to follow, right?

For those of you who know me well you might be wondering...what happened to the triathlon training? The answer is...I don't know. My bike that is stashed in the attic is literally dusty from lack of use while I was pregnant. Having the two kids and a lack of options for what to do with them while I bike, it seems it has taken a back burner. I won't make any final decisions and if an opportunity arises I'll take it to get back on the road with my bike. Until then, I'll keep doing what I am doing because clearly it is helping me in more ways than one.

My groove.

So as my best friend from college pointed out in one of her comments (Thanks Col) it appears "Stella got her groove back". I had a great run today with my favorite running buddy. It was the usual 3 mile route that we've done for years together after school. Until now, I hadn't made it the whole way without stopping (cramp, knee pain, etc.) Today, I did it! It was hot, like 85-weird I know,  and I got a cramp. I ran through it. I finished. I was proud. I was happy that I didn't stop. I think physically I am the strongest I've been in years. My weight lifting routine is great. I am moving up on the weights and I can see changes in my body. The running was my weak point and now I know that I am on the right track. I know that before my surgery that I will be at the peak of my physical condition. I will be strong, I will be a great runner again, and I will be ready.

In general this week has been much better as far as the emotions go. So yes, it seems that I got my groove back. Finally.

I stole the pic from another blogger friend.

One breath at a time. . .

If I am being honest (sorry Mom  I know it is hard for you to read) I hit rock bottom recently. I am not sure what happened but it all hit me. You could probably tell from my previous post that things were starting to take their toll on me and my ability to control my own emotions. I am not going to lie, I am frustrated. I am frustrated about a lot of things. One, I have recently gone back to work and I'd rather be at home with my two cuties, work is very stressful right now and because I leave on time everyday, I never. can. catch. up. Also, my running is almost *embarrassing*. Two years ago, I ran a 10K at an 8:55 pace. It was the peak of my running, I was on a high and I was so proud to achieve that pace as a self proclaimed "slow" runner. A year ago, I was training for a 15K when I found out I was pregnant. One 8 mile run followed by a few cramps put a stop to that and it was all downhill from there. Sure, I have a load of excuses as to why my running isn't where it should be but nonetheless it is frustrating. I am frustrated that I am missing work often to go to Dr.'s appointments because that makes it even harder to catch up, not to mention time away from work=leave with no pay. I am frustrated because my mom is going through chemo and I cannot be there to help and support her. I am frustrated because I am so distracted at work that it is affecting me and my ability to juggle my responsibilities.  I am frustrated because I know now information that drastically will change how I will my life, forever. It will never go away. I can't take it back and live in denial. Now that I know, I am charged with the commitment of doing something about it. I am frustrated mostly because I let myself get hysterical and I am not sure why.

So...I knew what I needed to do. Thanks to a friend from high school pointing it out on her blog (breathofsunshine.wordpress.com), I needed to run until I felt better and I did. I put on my running shoes, cranked up my ipod, walked to the track and in my mind I said I will run 3 miles. 2 miles has been my hurdle due to some IT band pain but I knew it was mostly mental. I needed to get past that mental barrier stopping me from improving and regaining my runners strength. I left my garmin at home and just ran. I didn't worry about pace or time or anything. I set a goal for myself (12 laps) and that is what I did. Each breath I was taking in and out was a release of some of the frustrations. I needed that me time and I know it helped. As a counselor, I obviously know the value of talking about my feelings but I also know the value of running and its affect my overall mental health. As I was running I could feel my determination to finish 3 miles growing. I felt strong, my legs felt great but I got a horrible cramp around mile 1.5. I didn't stop, I ran through the pain. A great coach once told me that I needed to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Today was my first attempt. I was uncomfortable, but I was ok. It was a great run and now I feel like I can breath again.