One breath at a time. . .

If I am being honest (sorry Mom  I know it is hard for you to read) I hit rock bottom recently. I am not sure what happened but it all hit me. You could probably tell from my previous post that things were starting to take their toll on me and my ability to control my own emotions. I am not going to lie, I am frustrated. I am frustrated about a lot of things. One, I have recently gone back to work and I'd rather be at home with my two cuties, work is very stressful right now and because I leave on time everyday, I never. can. catch. up. Also, my running is almost *embarrassing*. Two years ago, I ran a 10K at an 8:55 pace. It was the peak of my running, I was on a high and I was so proud to achieve that pace as a self proclaimed "slow" runner. A year ago, I was training for a 15K when I found out I was pregnant. One 8 mile run followed by a few cramps put a stop to that and it was all downhill from there. Sure, I have a load of excuses as to why my running isn't where it should be but nonetheless it is frustrating. I am frustrated that I am missing work often to go to Dr.'s appointments because that makes it even harder to catch up, not to mention time away from work=leave with no pay. I am frustrated because my mom is going through chemo and I cannot be there to help and support her. I am frustrated because I am so distracted at work that it is affecting me and my ability to juggle my responsibilities.  I am frustrated because I know now information that drastically will change how I will my life, forever. It will never go away. I can't take it back and live in denial. Now that I know, I am charged with the commitment of doing something about it. I am frustrated mostly because I let myself get hysterical and I am not sure why.

So...I knew what I needed to do. Thanks to a friend from high school pointing it out on her blog (breathofsunshine.wordpress.com), I needed to run until I felt better and I did. I put on my running shoes, cranked up my ipod, walked to the track and in my mind I said I will run 3 miles. 2 miles has been my hurdle due to some IT band pain but I knew it was mostly mental. I needed to get past that mental barrier stopping me from improving and regaining my runners strength. I left my garmin at home and just ran. I didn't worry about pace or time or anything. I set a goal for myself (12 laps) and that is what I did. Each breath I was taking in and out was a release of some of the frustrations. I needed that me time and I know it helped. As a counselor, I obviously know the value of talking about my feelings but I also know the value of running and its affect my overall mental health. As I was running I could feel my determination to finish 3 miles growing. I felt strong, my legs felt great but I got a horrible cramp around mile 1.5. I didn't stop, I ran through the pain. A great coach once told me that I needed to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Today was my first attempt. I was uncomfortable, but I was ok. It was a great run and now I feel like I can breath again.