My first moment.

I really hate being a downer on this blog. Since I've published it publically on FB I seem to have quite a few readers. Thanks by the way for reading. I really appreciate that you care enough to read.  I really, really, want to be the strong person that you all think I am. I want so bad to tell you all that this is a "breeze" and I am "doing great". I really would love to tell the truth when I am say I am feeling better than the day before. I really, really want to be that person that didn't run upstairs crying when things got too hectic before dinner when I just couldn't take the pain and the craziness in the evenings when you have two small children. I so wish I was that person, but I am not.

Yesterday, I might have overdone it and so today I was paying the price for that. I was more involved with the kids, day to day tasks (sad that pouring milk for Carter is doing me in) and I drove around a bit doing some errands (in my defense I bought toilet paper nothing heavy!) but today I seem to be backtracking a bit. I hadn't been feeling the muscle pain/spasms for days. It was just simply the expanders that were annoying me. Today it was both. Today it was too much.

I haven't slept in days. No naps and I lay in bed at night thinking about the pain until wee hours of the night. I've resorted to ambien but who knew I was the one person immune to it working? I lay in bed listening to the music that is coming from my neighbors tacky Christmas display. I change the pillows up, get up, take some away, put some back, swap positions and yet I am still awake with nothing else to think about but how uncomfortable these foreign objects strapped to my chest are (for those of you who don't know what I am talking about-I have temporary implants that hold the spot and create a pocket for the real implants that will be put in, in a few months).

I am assuming that my exhaustion and the increase in pain today are contributing to my feelings as I type this blog. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. It'll be 3 weeks for me and I wish I was feeling as good as I hoped I would be 3 weeks post surgery.  I am not sure why I thought I would be better off. I am in good shape, I lost all the weight I wanted to, I eat healthy, I just ran a half marathon and I am so young. Why is this so hard? Why did I not see this coming? Why have I let myself question my decision thinking, "what have I done?"  I was so looking for that 3 week blog post with news of how much better things were getting. Maybe there is still hope for tomorrow's post.

I don't want to feel great, or even good. I just want to feel normal. All I want is normal. I hope that normal is in my near future.

So, I sign off now having just taken a valium. I've been trying just advil overnights but obviously that isn't working. Lets hope I can get a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow in a better place.