Monday, January 7, 2013

Fake it til you make it...

I've always preached how important self talk is to my students during our counseling sessions, I've even preached it to friends and family and to anyone who asked my advice. But, I haven't taken my own advice. All I seem to do is complain about my life. Claim what a funk I am in. Avoiding or dreading social gatherings or phone calls from friends. If you know me well you know I am a shower freak and there are days that it is the afternoon that I haven't even showered and sometimes even then it is only to put back on clean PJ's. So, operation de-funking myself is going to commence. I went to the Doctor (AGAIN!) today because I feared the infection was getting worse, when according to my Dr. it is getting better. It is a very slow process. I realize that I am not patient. I even asked him if there was anything I could do to speed things up, ice? More Rest? More water? Etc. He said, "no" it just takes time and he believes the antibiotics are in fact working. It is a good thing I like him because I have a hard time believing that given what it looks like (though I admit it is getting smaller it is getting nastier, ewww)

Ok, so here are some of my downfalls that need to be changed.
1. Get up and shower and get dressed and stop living in PJ's.
2. Get my nails done. Since I haven't lifted a finger in 6 weeks my nails look amazing. Maybe that would be a nice treat (though finances are tight so a full retail therapy shopping spree isn't an option)
3. Schedule the maid that two awesome people pre-paid for me. Thank you sister in law Anne and highschool friend Candyce! A clean house (times 3)  always makes things better.
4. Exercise. No, folks not going for a 5 mile jog but start with walking in the neighborhood and then even try the gym. The bike should be an option. I always feel better when I work out.
5. Fake it. Pretend I am back to normal. Play with my kids. Do housework (within reason) stop being an invisible person in my own house.

Nights are still troubling to me and I am not sleeping well. My moods and emotions really get the best of me at night as does my anxiety over this infection. I am not sure what I can do control that but perhaps if I am in a better mood and busier during the day I'll be more tired and relaxed at bedtime. We'll see.

So, my two adorable kids are being dropped off at my house in  a few minutes and I am on mommy duty ALONE for the first time since surgery. I can do this. Funk be gone. The one thing I keep forgetting in all of this is the only thing that really matters: I do not have cancer.

It could be worse.

Keep a lookout for the old fun loving Erin. I think she is making a come back.


  1. just wanted to say...WELCOME BACK! This is the Erin I know! With this new positive outlook you will be feeling better in no time. great post~

  2. What a great line to write: I do not have cancer. It's huge, and good, and the reason for pushing through.

    Getting back to normal is a lovely idea, but don't ever feel bad about ranting online. Blogs are like emotional paper tissues - they collect the tricky stuff so we can throw it away.

    Wishing you healing & health,

  3. So.....that means the Fun Level is coming up? Wow.

    Hey don't beat yourself up. There is no rule book for dealing with this kind of stuff. You made a tough decision and ultimately you will have many benefits, mainly a healthy and long life to enjoy.

    I'll tell you what I always tell folks who work for me who may be going through tough times. "Put on your game face". There can be private moments of worry and even despair, but if you put on your game face when around folks you will see that it lifts you up as well.

    Someone who can train for and then accomplish a half marathon surely can handle what you are going thru, right?

    Set goals and then keep moving the goal posts back when you accomplish each goal.

    Today it's taking care of the kids, solo....
    Tomorrow? who know what you can accomplish.

    I know as well that you don't need alone time now. You need people around, support and things to get your mind off what is bothering you.

    One of the things I am most proud of over the last year is how many people at work and in Nashville who I deal with on an almost every day basis, told me they really couldn't tell what I was going through with your mom's cancer and treatment.

    I didn't hide it, I talked about it when people asked, but I kept my game face on while at work.

    Each week I talk to about 30 Record reps in Nashville who are trying to get us to play their records. For almost a year each call began with "Tell me how Vicky is doing"?.

    It drove me crazy for a while, but after a bit by telling that story over and over again, it began to make me feel better and more confident that things would work out. I think if I had hidden it and not talked about it, it would have been a lot harder than it was to deal.

    This past year was the hardest of my life. But I got through it with lots of support and by allowing people to make me feel better, not shutting them out.

    I know you will overcome this and you've taken some great steps to get on the way. I'm very proud of you and love you more than you know.