The last two weeks have not been my finest moments. Lets just say that the past few weeks of going back to work, transitioning Carter back to her sitters, getting two kids out of the house at a different time than before, picking them both up at different times, and handling working full time has been a bit rough. I am not handling these stressors with grace. I think in isolation many of them would be do-able. Dan's broken down car, sure we can handle that...we simply buy a new car. Carter not napping at her sitters and being miserable all afternoon....sure we can handle that. My job description changing more and more away from being a counselor to doing all the leftover stuff no one else wants to do...sure I'd get over it. Training for a half marathon in the midst of some minor aches and pains as I add more and more mileage each week....ok, I got it. Planning a major preventative surgery in a few months...again...in isolation...I can handle it. Add all of that together and you have one big fat mess. A fat mess that is making me question my decision. No, I am not changing my mind but I hate having doubts. Doubts about my babysitter. Doubts about my running. Doubts about ripping my body apart and putting it back together in a few months. Doubts about how I'll handle aforementioned stressors while I try to recover and let my body rebuild itself. I've never claimed to be a supermom but right now I feel like I am doing a whole lot halfway. Half a mom, half a counselor, and half a wife. Until my long run on Sunday I also felt like half a runner. As a working mom I've come to terms with the fact that we cannot do it all....but I'd like to at least do SOMETHING well.
Luckily, my long run was a good one. Though I had fallen off the schedule a bit I was able to run the 6 miles that I needed to. I ran it at a 10:10 pace. I am ok with that. The first 3 miles were amazing. I felt some of the stress just leave my body. When I am running I feel like an awesome runner. I have the running gear, the fancy water belt, the visor. I *look* like a runner. I feel strong enough to tackle this surgery and BRCA stuff and I can clear my mind of all the other worries when I am running. The last 3 miles were not as fun, but it was getting hotter, my IT band was flaring up and I was trying to maintain my speed despite the fact that it had been a week since my previous run. I am so glad I am back on my training schedule and even though I have a lot of doubts about everything, the 1/2 marathon, my job, and my surgery, I think I'll just take it one day at a time, do the best I possibly can, and hope that is enough.