Sunday, September 23, 2012

Can we have it all?

I often wonder if this BRCA stuff happened to me before I was a working mom if I’d be able to cope with it easier. I wonder in isolation if I could handle it with more grace? I don’t know. I am struggling once again to find balance in my life. I am BRCA positive, I am a mom, I am a counselor, I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a runner, a friend, and lets be honest, a housekeeper. I am sure you can guess what gets forgotten when life gets busy, thankfully I have an awesome husband who picks up my slack around the house.

On one hand being a working mom of two gives me the life distractions I need to forget about my other worries. But on the other, it just complicates things. I said it before, but I hate feeling like I am doing everything halfway…doing nothing really well. If I do focus on myself and have a great long run, a night out with girlfriends, have the risk reducing surgery, or some alone time shopping at the mall it comes with the mommy guilt price of time away from my kids. Even if I step up the inner housekeeper (I really have to dig deep to find her) then I sacrifice all my family time on a Saturday to clean. Something has to give. The house has to get clean, I have to see my friends, I need to spend time with my husband, I need to work out. So, how do you balance it all? Is it even possible? Will I feel like I am playing a balancing game my whole life? Will I always question myself? Throwing the BRCA stuff into the mix has just been a new issue that I am forced to come to terms with. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect all of the above. Will there come a time in my life when the BRCA stuff doesn’t affect me as much? I can only hope.

I am not sure there is an easy answer to any of my questions. I wonder if asking to have it all is asking to much? I want to be an awesome mom, great friend, wonderful counselor, amazing wife, a fast runner and so much more.

I guess I just have to be thankful for what I have, which is an amazing life,  and take one day at a time…..and maybe not worry so much about how clean my house is.

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