Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Am I so strong?

Its been a few days since I found out the news. I posted on facebook that I had recently gotten some bad news. For most, they knew exactly what that meant and offered words of support. Unfortunately, those who didn't know assumed the worst and I got lots of "are you ok?" emails/phone calls/and posts. I didn't mean to alarm people but like I've said before, I wasn't interested in talking about it yet and that was the easiest way to inform my close friends.

During the past few days I've had many conversations about what is going on and I get the same reaction from most, you seem so calm, and so together and so strong. I guess I am not sure what kind of reaction I am supposed to have? Should I cry all day? Stay up all night worrying? Skip meals because of the stress? (oh boy that would be nice for the diet!) I don't know? I am reacting in the best way I know how...being rational and calm. I just don't worry about things and so this is no different. Like I said, I am healthy, I exercise more than most, am not overweight (though I do have a few lbs to lose) so why should I assume the worst? Why should I worry that I have cancer right now? I don't know, I am confused. Am I not worrying enough? Am I in denial? Am I being careless with such a huge life altering decision? I guess you'll never know how you react to news like this until you get it. Knowing the fate of your future is a odd information to have. We aren't supposed to know our fate...right? Like in the Back to the Future movies, (LOVE those movies) if we know too much about our future it can change the path we are on, or even interrupt the "space-time continuum", ha ha. Is this any different? How much different will my life now be knowing this information? Will it be for the better? Or worse?

What about my sister? Should she find out? In my mind knew it was better for me to be the carrier if it had to be one of us, though I know her chance of getting it is the same as mine. I am in a different place in my life and I am not sure knowing this in your 20s, unmarried and without children is the best plan. But if it were me, I don't know what I'd do.

I am glad my reactions to this are surprising to people and it makes them assume I am so strong. But what if I am not? What if I just keep telling myself I am not scared to mask the truth? What if deep down I am terrified? I just don't know. Maybe after the news settles in a little I'll be more in tune with my feelings. I just know bottling them up and not talking about them isn't helpful which is why I know this blog will help.

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