Its been two weeks since my blood was sent to the genetics lab. I haven't necessary lost any sleep over the results but I am anxious to find out. I gave the Dr. a call during the day to see if the results were in. I didn't hear from her and so by 4pm I had called my family to let them know I wasn't going to find out today. I headed on through my normal Monday routine which included going to the gym at 4:45. I was using the restroom when my phone rang. I assume most don't bring their cell phone with them to body pump class but I do normally just in case Dan needs to reach me. So, noticing it was an unknown number I went ahead and answered it, in the bathroom! It was my Dr. and she didn't tap dance around the results. She told me I was in fact positive. My response was, "ok". I guess I was not really in shock because I had a gut feeling all along that I was positive for the gene. She asked me if I was ok and all and I said, "I am actually in the gym bathroom and I cannot really talk right now." I explained that I would call her in the morning so we could talk about what this means.
Some of you can probably guess what I did next--I went to body pump and had a great workout! If you know me at all you know that not much stands in the way of my workouts! I think the timing was great. I was in a public place so I couldn't get hysterical and I had a great way to relieve some stress before going home to tell Dan. I had texted my family (which now I see was dumb because they all immediately called me back and I couldn't answer) and let them know the news and made plans to call them when I was done with class.
To this point, I still have not cried. I couldn't cry in front of Dan and alarm him even more, and I didn't want to upset my mom anymore than I knew she would be already. So, I held it in. I called my mom at 6:15 which gave her a good hour to be hysterically upset about it before I could speak with her. She was devastated and blames this on herself, which is a normal mom reaction. I tried to rationalize with her and it wasn't really working. At this point I am thinking, this is ok, I know I can do things to prevent this from happening to me so I am going to be fine. It is all ok.
As a counselor, I know self talk is very influential in our thought processes and responses to life events. If I keep telling myself and my family that I am ok, it will be ok, I'll start to believe it. I did make it through the night without any tears. When I walked in the door I told Dan the news and his heart sank. The kids were with us so obviously we didn't have a lot of time to talk or even get upset. So, we went on about our normal nighttime routine and then I headed to bed. Like I mentioned before, I am not really that interested in talking about right now and I am certainly not a "worrier" by nature. I slept great and didn't really let it creep into my thoughts. When you are working full time and busy with two kids you have two advantages 1. you are exhausted and 2. you have no time to worry!
I could feel the stress brewing by morning and as soon as I pulled out of the driveway, I started to feel the tears coming. I cried quietly on the way to school because at that moment it hit me...I could have cancer right now! This is as scary as crap! Why am I so calm? What will I do? I cannot have cancer, I have two small kids, they need me! These emotions flooded my mind as I was coming into work. I knew if anyone hugged me or tried to comfort me that I might lose it. After first hug from a friend...I did lose it. I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried some more.
I did feel better after I let it out but I still am thinking rationally. Why should I get worried over something that I don't know to be true? If I have cancer, then I'll worry. Until then, I'll stay busy with work, focus on my plans to prevent cancer, and live my life. Living in fear of something is no way to live. I have a lot of be thankful for, I live a healthy lifestyle, exercise, eat well, so there is no reason to believe that anything will turn up on my MRI in a few weeks. I can't say that my emotions and worries don't creep into my head sometimes but for the most part, I am ok. At this point, I don't have time to worry about something that may happen. Instead, I'd rather take steps to make sure it never does.