The two week wait....

Its been two weeks since my blood was sent to the genetics lab. I haven't necessary lost any sleep over the results but I am anxious to find out. I gave the Dr. a call during the day to see if the results were in. I didn't hear from her and so by 4pm I had called my family to let them know I wasn't going to find out today. I headed on through my normal Monday routine which included going to the gym at 4:45. I was using the restroom when my phone rang. I assume most don't bring their cell phone with them to body pump class but I do normally just in case Dan needs to reach me. So, noticing it was an unknown number I went ahead and answered it, in the bathroom! It was my Dr. and she didn't tap dance around the results. She told me I was in fact positive. My response was, "ok". I guess I was not really in shock because I had a gut feeling all along that I was positive for the gene. She asked me if I was ok and all and I said, "I am actually in the gym bathroom and I cannot really talk right now." I explained that I would call her in the morning so we could talk about what this means.

Some of you can probably guess what I did next--I went to body pump and had a great workout! If you know me at all you know that not much stands in the way of my workouts! I think the timing was great. I was in a public place so I couldn't get hysterical and I had a great way to relieve some stress before going home to tell Dan. I had texted my family (which now I see was dumb because they all immediately called me back and I couldn't answer) and let them know the news and made plans to call them when I was done with class.

To this point, I still have not cried. I couldn't cry in front of Dan and alarm him even more, and I didn't want to upset my mom anymore than I knew she would be already. So, I held it in.  I called my mom at 6:15 which gave her a good hour to be hysterically upset about it before I could speak with her. She was devastated and blames this on herself, which is a normal mom reaction. I tried to rationalize with her and it wasn't really working. At this point I am thinking, this is ok, I know I can do things to prevent this from happening to me so I am going to be fine. It is all ok.

As a counselor, I know self talk is very influential in our thought processes and responses to life events. If I keep telling myself and my family that I am ok, it will be ok, I'll start to believe it. I did make it through the night without any tears. When I walked in the door I told Dan the news and his heart sank. The kids were with us so obviously we didn't have a lot of time to talk or even get upset. So, we went on about our normal nighttime routine and then I headed to bed. Like I mentioned before, I am not really that interested in talking about right now and I am certainly not a "worrier" by nature. I slept great and didn't really let it creep into my thoughts. When you are working full time and busy with two kids you have two advantages 1. you are exhausted and 2. you have no time to worry!

I could feel the stress brewing by morning and as soon as I pulled out of the driveway, I started to feel the tears coming. I cried quietly on the way to school because at that moment it hit me...I could have cancer right now! This is as scary as crap! Why am I so calm? What will I do? I cannot have cancer, I have two small kids, they need me! These emotions flooded my mind as I was coming into work. I knew if anyone hugged me or tried to comfort me that I might lose it. After first hug from a friend...I did lose it. I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried some more.

I did feel better after I let it out but I still am thinking rationally. Why should I get worried over something that I don't know to be true? If I have cancer, then I'll worry. Until then, I'll stay busy with work, focus on my plans to prevent cancer, and live my life. Living in fear of something is no way to live. I have a lot of be thankful for, I live a healthy lifestyle, exercise, eat well, so there is no reason to believe that anything will turn up on my MRI in a few weeks. I can't say that my emotions and worries don't creep into my head sometimes but for the most part, I am ok. At this point, I don't have time to worry about something that may happen. Instead, I'd rather take steps to make sure it never does.

Genetic Testing

I was able to get in to have genetic testing done with the breast specialist rather quickly and conveniently the office is located right across from my school. While Carter was bouncing on my knee, I asked questions and consulted with the Dr. It seemed obvious that getting tested was the best choice for me. I started to ask her questions about a mastectomy and the ovaries and she helped me understand the process a bit more. Whew. I felt better after speaking with her and hearing about the process if in fact I do have the gene. I left there that day knowing that I would know my fate in two weeks. Will it be a long two weeks?

You are done having kids, right?

I had my OB appointment which has gotten the ball rolling as far as genetic testing goes. I have paperwork proving my mother has the gene so the process (getting insurance to pay) is fairly easy for me. My OB referred me a breast surgical group that coincidentally I was already a patient at (for breastfeeding issues). I like my OB, been with her for years, but I was a bit taken aback when we discussed the BRCA gene and its implications. She basically told me that if I do in fact have the BRCA gene then I should have my ovaries removed immediately. I think at some point I had told her I was done having kids (don't we all say that when we are 9 months pregnant?!?) and so she just assumed my decision was final and that I wouldn't be "needing" my ovaries anymore. GASP! I was in shock. I asked why the rush and her quote exactly was, "you are like a ticking time bomb if you have the BRCA gene". Ugh. That was not the news I needed. I left in a panic and immediately starting questioning myself. Am I done? Do I only want two kids? I know Dan has always been open to a third but I never really was. But, then sweet Carter came along and brightened our lives..why wouldn't I want another? Since that moment with my OB I have been in total confusion. I am not sure since I just had a baby quite recently that this time in my life is the best time to make that decision. If I don't feel 100% sure why make that choice. Anyway, I do not know if I have the gene or not but these are decisions that I surely hope I don't have to make.

Not MY Mom!

It seems that everyone knows someone who has cancer. I was no different, there were several parents at my school over the years that I have known to get breast cancer and live through it. But then it was my mom who had cancer and that is where my journey began.When I got the phone call that November afternoon, I knew it was bad news. I couldn't get the phone right away so I let it go to voicemail. Then, I heard it ring again, and again. I knew that my parents were calling and needed to talk to me. My Dad could hardly speak and my mom literally could not speak at all. My heart sank and I immediately cried. Dan came home right away and we were able to get head to NC immediately to be with my family.

At first, it seemed like this was no big deal. She'd need a lump-ectomy and maybe some radiation. At more testing was completed we knew that not to be the case. Then, the big news that really hit home was that she was a BRCA 2 carrier. Which means, she is genetically pre-disposed to get breast and ovarian cancer. After that news, it was obvious a double mactectomy was in order to prevent the cancer from returning. She will also have her ovaries removed in a few months. A few months ago, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a "cancer" gene and I certainly had no concerns that I might be carrying it. Oh, how much things can change in a matter of a few months.

As far as my mom goes, she has under gone a double mastectomy and double removal of lymph nodes. She will begin chemo-therapy on February 6th. She has a 24 week course of chemo to start and then perhaps radiation, also. She is not able to go through reconstructive surgery for quite some time.

When the news came back that she had the gene for breast cancer, I still did not quite process the implications for me and my sister. After it set in a little bit, I realized I, too could be carrying this gene and that I needed to be tested right away. I know many people have trouble with the decision but this is an easy one for me. I've seen what my mom has gone through and I certainly don't want to go have the same experience.

And so it begins. . .

You would think being a counselor that I would like to talk about my feelings. For some reason, I don't feel like talking about this. I feel like writing about it. I am starting back a few months with the sad news that started this whole journey for me. I hope to keep it updated along the way so that I can share my good (and bad) experiences. I do not worry about anything. Sometimes, I think I should worry more. I leave my car doors unlocked, I drive around with the gas light on, I just assume the best of every situation. So in keeping with the blog address: I do not want you to worry about me, either.