Why me?

As I am becoming more familiar with the BRCA positive community it seems we all generally go through the same stages. I guess it is normal that I am now at the “why me” stage. First, it is anger but mostly now just sadness. I know most that go through some sort of grief/stress process ask the question....why me? Is it because I am strong enough to handle it? Is it just bad luck? It is for no reason at all?

Some of my friends ask me how I am doing and I am torn between telling them everything is fine and actually telling them the truth. I’d be lying if I said that a fear about my impending surgery or my children’s future doesn’t creep into my mind daily. At work, at the gym, at home, running, even hanging out with my friends it is with me and will be forever. I can’t go back to the days of just assuming I could chose a healthy lifestyle and live until I was 100 or the days when I had zero fears over the health of my children. It is like a box that has been opened that can never be shut again. Nothing will ever be like it used to be.  That makes me a little mad, well maybe a lot mad.. I can do everything I can, feed them healthy food, encourage an active and healthy lifestyle but the odds are stacked against those of us with the BRCA gene. It was bad enough when just dealing with my mom having breast cancer but now it is a lifelong battle of dealing with something much worse--the fear of cancer for my children and the affect of knowing  you are at increased risk. I can do whatever I need to do to eliminate my risk but I cannot protect them, forever. Just like I am processing this information now at 31 they could be even younger when they have to process it. I am glad they are so small that they won’t really remember me having the surgery and I surely hope my new breasts is so awesome that Carter won’t notice the difference between her and I as she goes through puberty. I just fear the day that she puts it all together. Nama had breast cancer and looks different, mommy looks different, what does that mean for me? Will she put it all together and question why we look different? Question her own risk? Assume she, too, will have to have breast reconstruction because both her grandmother and mother did? I honestly don’t know at what age you begin to discuss things like this with a child but I will have to at some point share this information. I hope until that point, that I can keep it hidden. I hope that she can grow up like any other girl in the world. A girl who will be excited to develop into a woman and not be deathly afraid of having the very things that define you as a women turn against you.

Emotional.

I find myself being super emotional right now. Things that normally would not bother me are pushing me over the edge. I feel like on most days I could cry at any minute. I do not like this feeling but I understand why I am feeling this way. I am not worried, but more overwhelmed. I think that I need to take my own advice that I tell my students, and that the only thing that makes things easier is time. I just found out about my BRCA fate not even two months ago. I am not sure why I am expecting myself not to let it bother me. Of course it is going to bother me, it is life altering news. Like I said before, my entire life is forever changed from this day forward. I don't mean that in a bad way, but either way I am heading down a different path than I originally thought I was. I need to take a step back and stop being so hard on myself. Crying is ok and I need to stop feeling bad for letting myself get emotional (though it has shown up in some inopportune times). I just need some more time, and then it'll be easier, right?

Whew, I a lot to take in.

I had my first ever official Dr.'s visit with a plastic surgeon. It was good and bad. The good was, that I really liked the Dr. He was very nice and took almost an hour to explain everything to me. Surprisingly, I felt super comfortable with him even during my exam. I've done enough research so that I understood what my options were before coming in to the consultation but I still appreciated the full explanation of the process.

From my understanding here is the time line I am looking at:

Surgery 1:
Complete mastectomy (removing all breast tissue but not muscle) by a breast surgeon
immediate reconstruction by the plastic surgeon using temporary expander implants

Out patient procedures: The expanders will need to be filled once a month to "expand" the skin so that there is room for the actual implants. This will take place once a month for 1-2 months.

Surgery 2: 1-2 months after my final expander fill, real implants will be put in. This is an outpatient procedure but time off of work is needed to recover. (time from original surgery 4 months)

Surgery 3: 8 weeks after (or longer if I choose) the plastic surgeon will go back and do nipple reconstruction. Again time off of work is needed. (6 months from my original surgery)

So, adding it up all was a bit overwhelming to me. I am looking at from start to finish at least 7 months of back and forth Dr.'s appointments, outpatient procedures, pain (though minimal at times) and a constant healing process for my body. It is definitely more than I realized when I initially made my decision. I know that it is the best choice for me, but that time is line is if nothing goes wrong. If I have a bump along the road, who knows how long it will be before I can look at myslef in the mirror and be "happy" about what I see.

I still believe that what I've listed is my best option for a healthy lifestyle. I'll be one of the few women in this world who don't worry every year at their mammogram that they will have breast cancer. After a surgeon performs a mastectomy, my chances of getting breast cancer (duh!) are almost zero. Those are stats that I can get behind.

I am not going to lie, I'll put it out there, I am nervous about how I'll be able to handle all of these surgeries, procedures, appointments, pain, etc. AND work a full time job AND raise two children. So many questions are coming up in my mind. For instance, though I may only need 4 weeks off of work for my major surgery how will I take the kids to their daycares if I cannot lift them out of their car seats? (I've heard 6 weeks before full functions come back, lifting, etc.). How do I pick them up and put them in the car each morning? How will I handle working a stressful, demanding job, and then coming home to take care of my two cuties? Will I be able to handle that? Will I be doing a lot a but not doing anything well? Am I expecting too much out of my body? Will I push myself too hard and cause unforseen complications? I dont' know. A lot is going through my mind right now. I am not doubting my decision to do the surgery, but I do have a lot of unknowns about how things will pan out for my family and my ability to give it my all at work and at home. I am sure this isn't the last you all will hear of these concerns. The good part is that I feel very comfortable with this Dr. and though a second opinion is probably a good idea, I am happy that I've at least started the process.