Training update. 8 miles-check!

 

8 miles is the farthest that I have run. ever.  A couple years ago I ran 7.5 with a buddy while we trained for a 15K but never 8. I was pretty happy to make 8 miles happen on Saturday morning. No, I haven’t officially signed up for the 1/2 marathon, but I will. I have mentally signed up in my head. I am feeling good about my running. My long runs usually leave me feeling proud about myself and less anxious about the big 13.1 day. 8 miles was hard, but manageable. The pace was a bit slower but I know there was a reason for that. I ran two back to back days and didn’t ice my shins. So, from step #1 my shins were hurting. They hurt the entire time and I had to overcome that with every thought I could. Mind over matter. You are always stronger than you think you are when it comes to running, or cycling, or anything. So if my body is strong enough to run 13.1 miles, then it is also strong enough to handle this surgery and come out on the other side healthier. I will bounce back, I will reduce my risk of cancer drastically (from 87% to less than 5%) and I will prove to myself that I can do it. Mind over matter. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Can we have it all?

 
I often wonder if this BRCA stuff happened to me before I was a working mom if I’d be able to cope with it easier. I wonder in isolation if I could handle it with more grace? I don’t know. I am struggling once again to find balance in my life. I am BRCA positive, I am a mom, I am a counselor, I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a runner, a friend, and lets be honest, a housekeeper. I am sure you can guess what gets forgotten when life gets busy, thankfully I have an awesome husband who picks up my slack around the house.

On one hand being a working mom of two gives me the life distractions I need to forget about my other worries. But on the other, it just complicates things. I said it before, but I hate feeling like I am doing everything halfway…doing nothing really well. If I do focus on myself and have a great long run, a night out with girlfriends, have the risk reducing surgery, or some alone time shopping at the mall it comes with the mommy guilt price of time away from my kids. Even if I step up the inner housekeeper (I really have to dig deep to find her) then I sacrifice all my family time on a Saturday to clean. Something has to give. The house has to get clean, I have to see my friends, I need to spend time with my husband, I need to work out. So, how do you balance it all? Is it even possible? Will I feel like I am playing a balancing game my whole life? Will I always question myself? Throwing the BRCA stuff into the mix has just been a new issue that I am forced to come to terms with. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect all of the above. Will there come a time in my life when the BRCA stuff doesn’t affect me as much? I can only hope.

I am not sure there is an easy answer to any of my questions. I wonder if asking to have it all is asking to much? I want to be an awesome mom, great friend, wonderful counselor, amazing wife, a fast runner and so much more.

I guess I just have to be thankful for what I have, which is an amazing life,  and take one day at a time…..and maybe not worry so much about how clean my house is.

It is the truth.

Today I feel good. Today I know I can do it (prophylactic bilateral mastectomy) and it'll be ok.  Not sure about tomorrow or the day after, but right now I feel good about my decision. While we were doing our afterschool run my running buddy re-assured me in a lot of ways that I will have a lot of friends and family to support me. I won't be doing this alone. I just will need to ask for help and I will get it from lots of loved ones around me. I also received quite a lot of responses to my post on FORCE about other women in similar situations (kids, working full time, etc.) and that made me realize what I already knew. There is never going to be a good time. So now is just as good of time as there will ever be. Now it is. Nov. 28th it is.

Strong enough?

I started out my 7 mile run on a nice cool Sunday morning. Luckily, even though I was running solo,  and both my GPS and my ipod batteries were low (note to self to charge all electronic devices needed the night before!) I made it through with a smile on my face. I finally figured out how to do my mile splits on my GPS watch and here they are:

Mile 1: 10:00
Mile 2: 10:14
Mile 3: 10:13
Mile 4: 10:20
Mile 5: 9:47
Mile 6: 10:02
Mile 7: 9:47      Overall average 10:03 Not bad!

Like I said, I had a smile on my face and I did when I saw my overall pace drop for the last 3 miles. It seems each week I question myself and have the “can I really run x amount of miles” thought but it all turns out ok. If I keep increasing my mileage slowly, I will be able to do the ½ marathon. So far I’ve stuck to the training schedule and modified as I needed. My shins are screaming at me but I think if I continue to ice and try new stretches I can keep them at bay.

As you can see from the previous post. It has been a couple of stressful weeks. But my running success are keeping my stress level down. I know I don’t need to add my training schedule to the list of my worries. As you’ve read, I have a close friend going through all this BRCA stuff and it has kind of re-opened it all for me. I am starting to really doubt my decision to do the prophylactic mastectomy. I am starting to really worry about how our family can handle this kind of added stress this year. Even if all the other pieces fall into place, it is going to be rough. We have two small kids and someone will need to physically be at the house during my recovery as I won’t be able to watch them until Dan gets home at 6:00/6:30 each night. Some days I am close to calling the surgeon’s office to cancel and other days I don’t even think about.

I know there is never a *good* time to do something like this, but is now really a good time for me? Will Dan be able to work full time, keep up with kids, cook, clean and do it all? Is that even fair of me to ask of him? How will the kids react when I cannot pick them up or play with them for 3-4 weeks? How will I handle going back to work when I know my body will be healing for months? How long will it take for me to re-gain my running and upper body strength? I guess as time ticks closer to Nov. 28th, these fears and worries will only get become more prevalent in my mind. I hope that I can overcome the fears and be stronger so that I can do what I know I need to do.  If I am rational, I know it is the right choice but when you factor in emotion, that is when I start to waiver. I know the strength to get through this is, is in me. I just need to find it and bring it out.

Life is good....during summer that is.

The last two weeks have not been my finest moments. Lets just say that the past few weeks of going back to work, transitioning Carter back to her sitters, getting two kids out of the house at a different time than before, picking them both up at different times, and handling working full time has been a bit rough. I am not handling these stressors with grace. I think in isolation many of them would be do-able. Dan's broken down car, sure we can handle that...we simply buy a new car. Carter not napping at her sitters and being miserable all afternoon....sure we can handle that. My job description changing more and more away from being a counselor to doing all the leftover stuff no one else wants to do...sure I'd get over it. Training for a half marathon in the midst of some minor aches and pains as I add more and more mileage each week....ok, I got it. Planning a major preventative surgery in a few months...again...in isolation...I can handle it. Add all of that together and you have one big fat mess. A fat mess that is making me question my decision. No, I am not changing my mind but I hate having doubts. Doubts about my babysitter. Doubts about my running. Doubts about ripping my body apart and putting it back together in a few months. Doubts about how I'll handle aforementioned stressors while I try to recover and let my body rebuild itself. I've never claimed to be a supermom but right now I feel like I am doing a whole lot halfway. Half a mom, half a counselor, and half a wife. Until my long run on Sunday I also felt like half a runner. As a working mom I've come to terms with the fact that we cannot do it all....but I'd like to at least do SOMETHING well.
Luckily, my long run was a good one. Though I had fallen off the schedule a bit I was able to run the 6 miles that I needed to. I ran it at a 10:10 pace. I am ok with that. The first 3 miles were amazing. I felt some of the stress just leave my body. When I am running I feel like an awesome runner. I have the running gear, the fancy water belt, the visor. I *look* like a runner. I feel strong enough to tackle this surgery and BRCA stuff and I can clear my mind of all the other worries when I am running. The last 3 miles were not as fun, but it was getting hotter, my IT band was flaring up and I was trying to maintain my speed despite the fact that it had been a week since my previous run. I am so glad I am back on my training schedule and even though I have a lot of doubts about everything, the 1/2 marathon, my job, and my surgery, I think I'll just take it one day at a time, do the best I possibly can, and hope that is enough.

Life is good.

I love the feeling after a great run where you exceeded your own expectations. As you've seen I've been dealing with some pain in my IT band and in my right shin. Couple that with some seriously hot runs and I was beginning to doubt myself and my half marathon ventures. Well, today run took away all of my doubts.

If you are new to my blog, I am having a preventative bi-lateral mastectomy on November 28th. I am not a worrier by nature, but there are some thoughts that creep into the back of my mind from time to time. What better way to push those worries aside by focusing on something else....my half marathon race on Nov. 10. So, there I said it. I am doing the half marathon on Nov. 10. (if I keep saying it over and over it'll come true, right?!)

This summer has been great and I am sad to see it come to a close and go back to work full time. I love being home with my family and I love having so much time to train. Training will be more dificult in one way but so much nicer in another because cooler temps are on their way.

I even got back on my bike a few weeks ago and had a great ride with a long time training buddy, Lindsey, and great friend. It reminded me how much I love to ride and I hope to get back into again. Not sure how many rides I can squeeze in with the running schedule as it is...but I am open to it. I did 18 miles on my first ride and I felt great, like I hadn't ever stopped riding.

Today was a 5 mile longer run and really the first "official" training run for Lindsey and I. I would say it was a success. 5 miles at 49:24. I am always happy with a less than 10 minute pace. Plus, I didn't have any pain and we both felt good the entire time. Oh, and bonus...I got a super cool new water belt (Thanks Linds for picking out one just perfect for me!). Linds and I have have come full circle. Training buddies before kids and now that neither of us are pregnant at the same time (which was a few years of that!) we are back. I truly enjoy that time each week with her to talk and catch up.

I love it!

My mom is doing a lot better and has finished chemo, my training is right where it needs to be, I have a wonderful family, went on 3 awesome vacations, I love my husband now more than ever, have a huge support system from family and friends, and I have two of the cutest kids on the planet. I'd say, life is good.

A little rambling.

I apologize in advance for the rambling as I have a lot going through my head and decided to get it out. I had an MRI today for my head, which is routine for me for a non-issue tumor on my pituitary gland. It has been there for years and we just do an MRI every few years to make sure it hasn't grown and I am sure it hasn't. But, for some reason while I was laying there in the machine all I could think about was my surgery and what is to come. It was a good 45 minutes of time to think (despite the ridiculous clicking noises). The only other time I've had surgery was my breast reduction and I think I was so super excited about that I don't remember being scared. I remember waking up and being in a lot of pain and I can only imagine that pain will be tripled after my mastectomy. So my thoughts wondered there and how much I hate having an IV (they had to put contrast in for the last part). Then, when I turn my phone back on after the procedure I have a text from my Dad saying that my mom is having heart issues and is in the ER. Oh. great. It turns out she is severely dehydrated and malnurished from this last round of chemo. They switched up her drugs due to some other side effects and it seems this new drug is no better it just comes with a new set of issues, one being that she doesn't ever eat or drink anything. Her dehydration is now affecting her kidneys and they are doing some work to make sure her heart is ok, also. On top of all of that earlier this week I got an email from my principal with the horrible news that a teacher at my school has breast cancer. I mean...come on! I am BRCA positive along with two other teachers at my school and now the most health conscience, in shape, healthy person we have on staff has breast cancer? I know it sounds selfish but it is just like a slap in the face. Everywhere. I. turn. it. is. there.

I know I am rambling but I just had a lot on my mind. Thank goodness for a kick butt run practice tonight where I left nothing behind and busted my butt. I didn't have time to worry about my mom, or my surgery or anything. I just was trying to breath and make it through and I did.